I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for…

OK so it’s been a while. And there’s a reason for that. One that was not at all obvious until a random blood test revealed the true culprit.

Random letter number combination? No, Vitamin B12 deficiency. I have pernicious anemia (means it’s not diet related – my lovely autoimmunity has found another target) – and alongside fatigue, which I have only been feeling recently, there are a host of neurological symptoms that include apathy and depression. B12 deficiencty takes a while to develop and I think, looking back, I started to have symptoms around 2018/19.

I have debated even doing this blog post – basically because withdrawal is very much my feeling du jour. Wanting to withdraw and fade into the background like Homer Simpson into a hedge is also not good for a writing career obviously. So the stories I wrote in 2020/21 (which was pretty much the last burst of writing I did) have sat in a folder on my computer since. I should edit and release into the wild but am not motivated to do so.

I am not at Worldcon this weekend even though I bought a ticket partly because dates didn’t gel but also due to not having the energy to sort out travel and accommodation. And there’s that whole withdrawal thing too. I didn’t fill in the form to be on the programme and I just don’t want to socialise. I had a particularly bad time time last year at some of the cons I attended. I spent more time in my room alone at Eastercon than was healthy (I see now) and spent more time outside the con than inside at BristolCon. I don’t really remember much of FantasyCon – can you prove I was even there?

This is starting to sound like a public confession and that feels very uncomfortable.

I am having injections of B12, they should help. (This blog has been brought to you by B12 injection). Maybe soon I can go back to having the usual levels of procrastination.

In other news – Grimbold folded and I am in the process of self-publishing my books, more when that happens, it’s been a slow process so far because of <points up the page>. I’ll also be publishing some other Grimmies. When I scrape enough mojo together I’ll work out how to sell things through this site.

I am still editing BFS Horizons and although there have been some extrinsic factors causing the publications to slow down I hope people will be a little forgiving of the fact I’ve also been slow on this.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel like publishing the existing stories I need to edit or, indeed, write any more and I may well permanently withdraw from the groups I temporarily withdrew from this year due to bereavement (life events have really not helped these past two or so years). I’ve not decided. But it has very much dented the Writing About Writing About Writing series which was mostly fuelled by procrastinating from actual writing by reading about it and then blogging about that. Not having the inclination to write has meant the shelf of writing books grew until it was full. The urge to buy them was eventually quenched, but it took a while. That TBR needs to be reduced again.

Between 2013 (when I started writing) and 2021 I had written, published, edited or contributed to over 40 books and numerous blogs here and as a guest elsewhere. Since 2021 I think there has been one book, and that’s now problematic (involving as it does Neil Gaiman). It’s possible that now I am having treatment there’ll be more in the future. But now I feel very vulnerable posting this and am going to go back to fading into the background.